Confession: Saying no is difficult.

Yesterday was the worst day I have ever had.

Last week (or the previous week), I was asked or rather assigned to be the female rep fire warden, representing company to go for fire drill briefing. I didn't want to and so, I said no.

And yesterday, I was sent a calendar invite to attend the briefing on 26th March and the actual fire drill practise on 30th March. I was annoyed and irritated. I sent an email to my office manager (my 好姐妹) saying I doesn't want to, and was given a "good girl" reply, followed by a Thank you z and xxx. It just made my blood boiled.

I declined the invitation there and then.

Email then came in again to asked what happened, why I declined. I said, I doesn't want to. And my 好姐妹 came over and told me this is an order from the company and I would need to follow.

I was really pissed so I kept quiet. "Please just take it as offering some help to the company." "..." "How?"

"No, I don't want."

"Ok..." and she stomped off.


I don't know if I am the one who is in the wrong, but I really doesnt want to. I do not want to 跟任何人翻脸, neither do I try to piss anyone off.

I really don't have this kind of 心力 to attend this kind of briefing and lead the whole team going down from 37th floor to 1st floor. Please.


What I am pissed off is, why am I the one being chosen. Because I gave in most of the time and I am easiest to manage? Like, seriously?

I did say that I doesn't want, and did anyone actually cares?

I know this might be small matter and I should just give in. I am sorry to say that I am giving in too much, and I am sad for myself. 我这样委屈我自己，一直对别人笑，自己生气的容忍（牺牲），换来的好像只有更委屈，继续让，这样对吗？


Nobody was tasked/asked/assigned after that, it was she herself who be one. So am I the only one you think can help, Or because I was willing most of the time so... I need to be this time, as well?

我很失望.

I always be a nice person, because I am one who doesn't like conflict. I tried to give in so everyone will be happy (especially to her, because I appreciate), and I think I am pretty much, taken for granted.

I cried the whole night because of this. I appreciated the friendship a lot and I never thought this would happen (given our relationship, I would think I would probably given a choice, at least).

I treated you with my 真心, I hope I can at least be given some flexibility to say no.

Heart broken,
Z

Confession: My direction.

I am not ambitious, neither do I set expectations.

There was a talk, a lunch time sharing by a Psychologist yesterday. It wasn't something I would like to attend if i have a choice, but I am pretty much enjoyed the session, surprisingly! The talk was about some work life integration, what was the priority for now, and what is the kind of 'I want to do more' and 'I need to stop'.

The topic, which I has been tried to keep it aside, striked in again.

Changes: What do I want to be in the future?


I want to be a HR, an inhouse HR professional.

Target is here, but when? WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?

To be honest, I don't know!  OK, I know actually, Not So SOON! X.X

I am afraid of changes, I need time and courage to take the change. I am so contented (hmm, am I?) here at where I am right now and I have been giving myself a lot of reasons and excuses to postpone the move.

I need to save more money now, there's upside over here with my current role. (Bullshit, You hate uncertainties)

I am assisting a colleague of mine, without me, pretty much she will face difficulty. (Yea right... You have been complaining and you arent happy doing this much work, relative to my pay, not worth it!)


I am not happy with where I am (I mean jobscope not company), what I am doing, neither do I find any satisfaction for now. There are basically 2 ways for me: move UP or move OUT.

Lemme think. Or, you tell me what to do?


Demoralized,
Z